The Sam Rant

It stuck!

2012-02-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

My flu induced weight loss from two weeks ago stuck. WOOT! I am officially 10 pounds from my wedding weight. What is up with that???

I am a wee bit excited, can you tell?

9 Adventures

2012-02-06T13:24:00.001-08:00

I need to think of 9 fun day activities to do with my kiddos this summer. Lat year I felt like the lame mom of the century. I did not get to many fun activities, partially because we were more broke than ever and partially because Reid was so tiny, and I just went to the gym most of the time instead. This summer I am determined to be a more fun mom. I have picked Thursday to be my super fun adventure day and I need help coming up with some activities that are realistic (or not) for me to do with 5 kids by myself. Not that I couldn't take people with me or invite them along or anything. I just don't necessarily want to be limited by my ability to find a helper for the day.

So here is what I have come up with so far.

1. Woodland Park Zoo
2. Deception Pass
3. Space Needle/Monorail
4. Aquarium
5. Fort Casey
6-9 ?

And I am assuming that I will get to go every Thursday other than the one that I am in Chicago and the one that we are at Cannon Beach.

So where would you recommend?

2012-02-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

And I should mention that having the flu, or whatever version of WHATEVER the nastiness that I had this week, was a fantastic kickoff to some more weight loss. So there you go. My advice for losing weight. Get the flu.

Slowly but surely

2012-02-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

Slowly but surely I am getting back to the weight I want to be. I am not going to lie. It hasn't been easy. But it hasn't been miserable either. I had the flu this week and when I weighed myself today I saw a number I hadn't seen since my low weight after Zane was born. A big YES! for me. I am now (if I can really trust that my low number today is going to stick) 10 pounds from my weight when I got pregnant. Say WHAT?!?!?! I am feeling pretty stinking good about it too.

**ignore the giant bags under my eyes. Reid is still not sleeping through the night and this momma is pretty exhausted ALL the time.

Feeling cranky

2012-01-24T12:47:00.000-08:00

I feel all.... grrrrrr today. I don't know why. Ok, maybe I do. I feel like I am arguing with everyone. Even though it really isn't anything to argue about. I am frustrated by my Sunday night girls group. One girl dominating the entire conversation. And totally derailing us as she talks. Frustrating. So I think I am attempting to come up with a game plan. Mostly it is just that she has ADHD and is massively unpredictable. But if you shut her down too hard then she flips out, sobs and causes an even larger scene that must be dealt with. Feeling very much like there is no win here. And that is making me cranky. Poor everyone else. I am taking it out on them.

The Big Climb

2012-01-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I signed up for the Big Climb in Seattle. It is a fundraiser for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I am super excited. 69 floors worth of climbing at the Colombia tower. Should be no problem. I am still going to be doing a lot of step mill workouts at the gym though. And I really need to do some actual stair climbs. The bad thing about the step mill is it propels you on.Which is great for the calorie burn but not so hot when it comes to actually prepping for a flights of stairs climb. I am really, really excited though. I love doing this type of stuff.

Reaching the Stretch

2012-01-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading the Circle Maker and I got to admit it is challenging me. I like to think I have a lot of faith. Maybe even more than the average person. When I take spiritual inventory tests I always rank high in that area. I know God can do amazing things. I believe he can. I usually have no problem with this.

Here is where I am though. This journey of Eric's work is reaching an end. We have one last shot with the commission. And it looks impossible. Really, really impossible. And part of me is in utter abject despair. There is a small tiny light in me that still has faith though. Still believes that Eric is going to get his job back. Even though it is utterly incomprehensible to all things logical and rational in this world.

I have a small corner of my heart that is aflame with hope. Even though it is utterly crushing to lose hearing after hearing, that corner will not die. That flame will not go out. I am unable to reconcile the fact that God led us into this (and of his leading I have no doubt) and is going to leave us here with this horrid ending.

So what does that have to do with faith. Well, this is where faith grows. Faith does not grow in the possible happening just like we expected. Rather faith grows when the impossible is attained by the miraculous power of God. So this is the final stretch. This is why it has taken so long. Because always before it was me dependent on the faith I have already built. This walk was taken with the faith that I already struggled though and grew. Now is the time for my faith to be stretched.

This is my Red Sea parting. This is my walls of Jericho falling. This is my 90 year old uterus becoming pregnant. This is the faith growth process.

The Redemptive Process

2012-01-12T14:57:00.000-08:00

I have been studying Hebrews the last few months. It has been really good. I love how God uses his written word to speak to my life right where I am. It is so fascinating how a verse I have read countless times without any major impact will suddenly be like a explosion of understanding or enlightenment in my mind. No other book does that. It is the Holy Spirit at work.

I was suddenly thrust into this new chapter of dealing with my past. It really wasn't a conscious effort or consideration. More like God said, "And now we will deal with this" And I am along for the ride. Willing participant and all, but it certainly was not in my plan to dredge all this stuff back up. However, I was reading a section in Hebrews on the new covenant. And the verses were

"For I will be merciful to their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more" Hebrews 8:12

So I had myself a bit of a ponder. If God doesn't remember my sins anymore then why do I? I mean, I have confessed, I have asked for forgiveness. I am forgiven by God. And it is obvious that my sins are remembered no more by him but yet the after effects of sin still remain. The guilt, the shame. And I don't wonder if that is part of what God is at when he starts working with me on these type of things.He may not see the sin anymore but he certainly knows the ways my heart is hurt. He knows the ick inside and he knows the way to fix it.

I could chose to sit in the forgiveness and do nothing. I really could. But I also know that sitting here does no good to anyone else. It does not eradicate the whole problem. Does my pretending it never happened help? Not even a bit. Rather my openness allows my life to give glory to God. I would like to pretend that it all never happened. If I did that then I would never be forced to confront the shame of it all. But the things that I hide in the dark I give power to. And I certainly don't want to give this yuck any power or control over me. The more open I am though the less I want to hide it. The easier it becomes to speak of. The more I freely give glory to God for what he has done.

This is all part of his redemptive process.

My Withered Hand

2012-01-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

My pastor occasionally preaches about a story in the bible. The story is about Jesus healing a man with a withered hand. You can read the account from Mark if you like. Mainly the story is this: Jesus walks into a synagogue and notices a man with a withered/deformed hand. Jesus is in the middle of an debate with religious leaders about the appropriateness of healing a person on the Sabbath. Because healing, you know, is a lot of work for God. (insert sarcastic tone and eye roll) So as part of this debate Jesus instructs the unnamed man to stretch out his withered hand. Now the bible doesn't tell us what is going on in the man's head. Or even exactly how he reacted. Could he have been tentative? Nervous? I mean, deformity of any variety was not looked favorably on back then. It was seen as an evidence of sin more times than not. So I can imagine the man would have been a bit nervous to stretch it out. Show off what I am ashamed of? Draw attention to it? But the man does stretch out his hand. Only to discover that it has been healed. What a show Jesus put on for those religious dudes!

So what does that have to do with me? Well, let me tell you. I got a book from a blog a few months ago. It is a stranger in Oregon. No one that I know in real life. She does periodic book reviews and the publisher gave her two copies of a book and she wanted to ship the second one off to a person who had a teenage daughter or knew of one that would be blessed by the book. The book is called Praying for Your Future Husband.

So I kept noticing that no one had said they were interested in a book. I figured, I know a lot of teen girls through church and friends and maybe I should just put my name in. So I got the book. She mailed it to me right before Thanksgiving and I proceeded to sit down and read it. I wanted to make sure the book was not full of strange stuff. Frankly I feel like my world got tipped on end by the book. In it was all this stuff that I never knew as a teen. NEVER. And that is pretty interesting since I grew up in church.

I mean what did I know? I knew that I wasn't supposed to have sex. However there was absolutely no instruction about the gigantic grey area between holding hands and hopping into bed. What on earth was a good Christian girl to do about it? Well, I can tell you what not to do. Because I ended up blowing all lines everywhere.

Obviously this is not a huge shocker for anyone that knew me in high school or college. But the thing is that those decisions probably top my list of things I most regret doing/saying/experiencing in life. So it kinda was a big deal. I was without skills to take my head knowledge and practically apply it to my life.

So enter this book. And enter my messed up past which if you have guessed is my withered hand in this situation. And God leads me to start this book study class with a group of teen girls from church. Holy cow. What an amazing sense of humor God has to have. Me. The one who so completely failed where this topic is concerned is being led to talk to other teen girls about how to avoid all the mistakes I made.

As I told the girls last night. This is me showing my withered hand. And if God is faithful (and I know he is) then what that is going to mean for me is healing. Not forgiveness. That came long ago in a torrent of tears, sobbing and snot. This is healing that only comes from God using my failures to give glory to him.

And for that I am so incredibly thankful.

2012-01-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

The block is a gray square. It is speckled. Light gray spots on a dark gray background. Ominous in appearance. The feel of it is rubbery. Like a bouncing ball that my kids play with. It can be touched but not changed. I don't have enough strength the manipulate it. Move it. Dent it.

The block is big. So large I can't see over it. Around it. When I peer around the corner all I see is a continuation of the block. Like a gray tunnel that continues on to nowhere. Alarming.

I feel sad about the block. It sits right in the middle of all I do. It cannot be destroyed by any human means. I have to wait for it to be removed. Things occur even with the block in place. Life continues. Smiles, laughter, tears, sadness all continue.

Change still occurs. Decisions still are made. But the block remains.

Please let the block be taken away.

My previous block was a circle. Speckled, light gray spots. Terrifying in appearance. It was removed. Almost 10 years ago. It is now a memory. I have a scar. Small. Private. Almost unnoticeable. No one would even know unless I told them.

All is fine since that removal. All. There is a memory of the fear but the reality of the future was bright. Shiny. New.

The block did not affect the future.

Let this block be the same.

2011-12-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

I do not weep to see this year pass by. I do not rejoice at the new year coming either. I am floating. Mellow. Filled with wonder at what is to come. Filled with anxious expectation. Will this be the year? For good. For bad. For more of the same. Will this year come with another pregnancy or birth.

I am waiting.

2012 you are as much a mystery to me as 2011 was.

I will maintain.

I will use the coming months to think on the ebb and flow of life. Birth, death. Loss, gain. I will grow closer to God. In a relational way. Not in a legalistic way.

I am on a quest to face old demons. Right wrongs. Learn lessons. Make changes. Continue on. Do what I know is right.

I will grow. I will change. I will never more be the one who lived 2011. Life will happen and I will adapt.

I will cry. I will laugh. I will hug babies. I will spank babies. I will grow as a woman and a mom.

I will love my Eric. I will be a wife and helpmate to the man who is forever mine. I took my vows seriously, he is my future.

I will fight. I will win. I will lose. And sometimes I will do both.

2012 bring it on. I am as ready as I will ever be.

2011-12-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

Read this today from this blog.

"It is assumed that, after giving birth so many times, it all somehow becomes old-hat. I suppose there are things that one can take for granted, but there is just no way to get "used" to carrying and giving birth to another precious life! In actual fact, the whole process has become more sacred to me with each new pregnancy. I find myself keeping the whole thing more intimate, since the often unintentional callousness of others can still break my heart--"Are you done yet?" is one that I have a lot of trouble with--as if having a darling little baby is just about the dumbest thing a person could ever do, so why don't I quit already?"

And this from a lady that has 15 kids. How much I totally agree with her feelings. Each and every baby does seem to get more private (although all my FB postings may disagree). I certainly am getting increasingly guarded with each pregnancy that happens. Because the words do cut like a knife.

It is wonderful when someone else seems to get it.

2011-12-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

So I was praying about this whole stinky situation. Pretty much in the pits of despondency. And as I was I felt very clearly that God was saying "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Do I know what that looks like exactly? No. But I can trust it. And I am going to cling to it right now. Because EVERYTHING looks horribly bleak.

2011-12-16T13:59:00.001-08:00

Motions Denied.

No Good Dreams

2011-12-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

Having a dream that Eric went back to work as an officer was not the way I wanted to spend my night. It just seems like my subconscious has it in for me. I struggle with having hope. I want to hope. I seem to not be able to help hoping but at the same time hope unfulfilled almost killed me last time. I did not really mention it but losing the last court decision was extremely rough. Extremely. I was very angry. I was very hurt. I was very, very upset. It really is an insufficient word picture but I don't know that I have the words in me to fully describe it.

And then the commentary from others. Mostly there is nothing to say when a person gets such devastating news. I heard "well, God knows best" "this must be better then" "God has a reason" All which did nothing other than infuriate me and essentially minimize and trivialize my emotions. It made it seem that I was not allowed to be sad. Not allowed to grieve. Just accept it and move on. Well frankly that is just a bunch of junk. Nowhere does it say that God does not understand my disappointment. Nowhere does it say that God does not understand my pain. In fact it says the exact opposite.I compare it to a miscarriage. Hope unfulfilled. There is no way to spin it that makes it ok.

Eric hasn't really had it much better. He has gotten several people who have implied that he should stop complaining, he has a job. And Eric is thankful for the job. Don't get me wrong. It just is not what he wants to do forever. It pays the bills. It keeps a roof over our head. But it is not satisfying. There is no love. We talked the other day and he has this horrified idea that when he dies someone would say of him "He was a great industrial laundryman." He actually begged me not to say that. These types of things bother him. It would make him prouder than anything to have someone say "He was a great police officer."

We start the next round of the appeal this week. Back to the commission we go. I am so thankful for our attorney. He has continued to work on our case for almost a year now without any additional pay. If we win we will have a huge chunk that we owe but unless we win he is not expecting payment. Such a blessing in all this.

I don't even know what to feel about this appeal. It is almost like I am compelled to hope. I fight it. I don't want to give in to it. Because it was sooooooo painful to lose last time. Nauseatingly painful in fact. I wish I could be numb. I wish I could not care. I wish this job was so wonderful and exciting and fulfilling that we actually didn't even want to go back to police work. But it isn't and we do.

If you think to pray for our pre-hearing motions hearing (confused yet?) they will take place Friday morning. I don't even know what to think or feel. I am a whirlwind of conflict about the whole thing. But God knows. I will just have to rest in that.

Washers make me want to cry

2011-12-06T11:34:00.001-08:00

We got our new washer and dryer today. They are amazing. I am so excited about them. There is a piece of me that is still in shock and disbelief that I have them in possession though. It means that the financial crisis is over. At least the major one. And at least it is over in my mind. Because I was not allowed to get these new machines until we had the money to do so. And we got them. So it must be over. The relief makes me want to cry. Apparently it took some new machines in my house to make me realize it.

Poor Hurting Heart

2011-11-20T21:51:00.001-08:00

There have been a couple of things the past few weeks that have hurt my heart with my sweet boy Andrew. The first was an assignment for school. I don't really remember what all it said but one piece of it said that he used to be lonely at recess because he had no friends and no one to play with. Try reading that when you open your kids folder. Then tonight we were reading our nighttime devotional and it was about two girls at school and how one of them could be a friend to the other one who was lonely. So we have response type questions at the end, you know, "Do you know someone at school who is lonely?" type things and "How can you help?" Well I was expecting an answer about how they can be friendly when my sweet boy pipes up with "I used to be lonely at school. That was me." Ok, not exactly what I was looking to hear. It hurts to hear these thing coming from my Andrew. And the sad truth is that he doesn't have a lot of friends. I know he is friendly but I also know he is very reserved and quiet, in no way outgoing. I don't know that there was anything I could have done to force him to play. In fact when he was at a friends house with the rest of us he played very well. It just seems to be more of a school issue. I guess I need to make the suggestion more often for him to either have a friend to play or to go to a friends house to play. He needs someone to encourage it and I suppose that one should be me. It just breaks my heart to hear about it though. He always loved going to school. And even now he talks about it like it is very matter of fact, no worries or upsetness. And he talks about it in the past tense. Which is the one relieving piece of it. Now he talks about playing with friends at recess. And we are working on him playing with a boy down the street. (They play periodically but it isn't a walk over and see if they can play type of thing) I know I can't force friendships. But I still hurt for him a lot and I wish I could fix it.

How bad It Is

2011-11-18T16:22:00.001-08:00

So I had a board meeting last night. Eric brought the kiddos home from swimming lessons and I left for my meeting. Everything was great until I noticed today that he watched Psych without me last night. WITHOUT ME. That may seem like nothing. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal but I feel kinda betrayed. I try to not do those type of things without him. The fact is that he is working 60 hours a week lately and we are not seeing a whole lot of each other. It is not ideal. I married a guy that I intended to co-parent with. This is not co-parenting. He sees the kiddos for about an hour a night. Sometimes on a really good day 2 hours. It is unbelievable how much this stinks.

The really hard part is that he is not being a workaholic. If he were at his old job and picking up off duty all the time I would have a reason to complain to him. Unfortunately the route that he is working right now is huge. And the guy that used to work it did not even do half the work on it. So he was always done early. Eric is actually doing all the work and even though he is busting his butt to get it done, it is still ridiculously long days. And he often leaves for work at 4 am. Stinky. I never wanted to single parent. Apparently I am doing it whether I like it or not.

In case you haven't heard, I am a quality time person. I like his body and my body to be in the same space as much as possible. It is horrid when we aren't. I admit that I would make a TERRIBLE military spouse. I wouldn't make it. And I know that you can make it though just about anything. But this is almost killing me and I am not being dramatic. It is really, really hard. And I am limping through my weeks. Feeling unloved (not that he is doing anything to make me feel that way, it just is what it is) because I get almost no face time. And then I have this horrible guilt over wanting to go out and spend time with him by myself. Because I am robbing the kids of time with their dad which is horrible too. Plus he is only really awake until about 8 pm because his body is used to getting up so early. So we don't even see each other at night and can't go out after the kids are in bed. I could just cry.

This is a horrible wilderness that I do not see the end of. I am working through it the best I can. God is working on me yet. I am going to learn what I need to learn and move forward. I just don't know where forward is right now.

2011-11-02T12:19:00.001-07:00

Lost 2 pounds this week. Woot Woot! 15 down. 4 more to go until I am my pre-pregnancy with Andrew weight again!

Halloween is my arch Nemesis

2011-10-31T21:44:00.001-07:00

Or I suppose I should say, Halloween CANDY is my arch nemesis. Oh candy, how I love you. I could eat you all day long in an appalling lack of self control moment. But because of the whole milk/soy thing. I will not. I love this allergy. For only this reason. It gives me a reason outside of myself to have self control.

Although I did eat 2 Snickers tonight.

The self control is far from perfect.

2011-10-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

13 down. 25 to go. Or something like that. If I were to lose 25 more pounds I would weigh what I did when I got married. I have not seen that number in many, many years. If I am honest I would be very happy with losing 10 more. 15 would be magical. But now that everything is starting to fit right again and look the way that I am used to it takes renewed vigor to curb the eating. But I know it is a short slide between this weight and being back way up into the land of nothing fitting. Staying positive about my success though!

November 4th

2011-10-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

We have our first pre-hearing meeting on November 4th. Of course Eric can't go, he has to be at work. And as he told Alex, I would like to keep this job. Amen to that. Not that this is the job of our dreams or anything, but it does at least pay the bills. In fact I have no idea what Eric is going to do if there is another actual in person hearing. He is still on probation and has no vacation or sick time yet. Plus, no working, no pay for the day. And that is something to definitely be avoided. Kinda crossing my fingers that maybe we will just do briefs back and forth and there won't be any real trial. I also keep hoping that someday they will decide to at least address the whole definition of dishonesty part of the case. So far they have just ignored it completely. Anyway, that is all the info I have for now. Kinda stinks though.

Well, what do you know...

2011-10-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

Yes I know this is a picture with my head cut off but do you see how skinny my waist looks? Keep in mind I have never been super skinny. But HOLY COW! I am looking good!

I saw a number on the scale today that I haven't seen since before Gwen. That was a really nice feeling. AND the jeans I am wearing I haven't been able to wear since before Gwen. Woot Woot!

All my killing myself with this whole no munching thing is working. I am pretty consistently losing a pound a week. I could probably make my life awful and actually diet (count calories and stuff) but this is working so far and I am getting results still so I will take it! If I lose 10 more pounds I will be back to where I was after I had Zane. And I looked pretty stinking good!

Still Hurts

2011-10-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me today if Eric was an officer. They know someone who knows someone who knows Eric. I had to try and explain. So hard. Not the explaining. The wave of grief that washes over me when someone brings it up. It is almost crippling. I don't know how to move past it. I can't say I am glad it has happened. I can't say that it is for the best. Something is dead and it sucks. Yes I suppose I could still hope in the final commission decision but in all it just is too much for me to handle. Like hoping for a coma patient to wake back up after 3 years. So hard.

5%

2011-10-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

80% of what you do anyone can do.

15% of what you do anyone can do with a little training.

5% of what you do, only you can do.

So my pastor wrote this thing the other day. It is something that he uses to evaluate what he is focusing his attention on and whether or not it is where he should be focused. He has encouraged all members of the church board (since we are supposed to be leaders) to consider this as well. His premise includes the 5% and the idea that since you are the only one who can do this 5%. Failure to do so is to fail in all areas. So, only I can be Eric's wife. Only I can be my munchkins mom. If I fail at it, no one else can take my place. Only I can be responsible for my own diet, exercise and general health. Only I can make sure I am following God's leading in my life. Only I can take care of how I respond to God.

It is a compelling thought. I am struggling with it. Because at times there is a lot that I think only I can do but really a lot of people can do it. I think I have narrowed it down to two factors though. Only I can be me. That seems so simple but I am finding it to be true. There is only one me and only one "me" way of looking at things or doing things. And to go along with this there is only one me to be in relationship with. If I think about it, that is the heart of most of those items on my list. No one else can substitute a relationship with me. Only I can have my relationship with Eric, my kids, God, my friends. If I choose not to have that relationship there is no one that can swoop in and pick up the slack. They cannot be me. It is just impossible.

So what do I do with this? Well, first off I am wrestling with it. I mean part of me already knows this. I have had this idea run through my head when I am having my "How many kiddos am I going to have? Can't someone else do this?" moments. And the answer truly is no. No one else can do exactly this. There is only one me and one Eric and only the two of us can make our babies. Obviously that is a somewhat simplified version of it. I have a lot of friends but they are not really interchangeable. Sometimes I need to talk to one because of their wisdom or sense of humor or life experience. I can't just substitute at will because that person is unique.

So how do I prioritize my life? I suppose with all that said I have to keep the relationships first. But even though 80% of the world could do some of my work (like laundry, dishes and all that stuff) it still has to be done. So do I race through it all to get to the things that really matter? If I am honest... I don't know. Like I said, I am wrestling.

Any thoughts about what should or could be in my 5% would be great too. Perspective is very helpful because like I said, I am struggling with this.

Can't Help It

2011-10-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

I hate these hours.I hate that I hardly ever see him. I just hate it.

Quick Report

2011-10-02T19:12:00.000-07:00

Van was stolen. Van was found. It has been a crazy weekend. I am very thankful that even though this whole process is a hassle I have some amazing friends that have been there for me and my family. I suppose I seem like I am unaffected by all this and I guess it really hasn't floored me that much. The stuff that was taken was just stuff. All that is important is still here and just fine. God is still on his throne and I hope that the car thieves actually took the Not a Fan book that was in the van. I would love it if they came to have a relationship with Christ because of it. Tomorrow I will see how bad the damage is. Hopefully not too bad. All the financial institutions have been amazing as well. I can't complain about this. It could have been much, much worse.

2011-09-29T19:28:00.001-07:00

13 hour work days stink. Seriously. I am not thrilled with them and they make me grumpy. My 4 am wake up call is not helping me out with this. I feel like a single parent.

2011-09-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

KILLED it today with both my eating and at the gym. 40 minutes on the stairway to pain (stepmill for those who are curious) and a leg workout that I will probably be super sore from tomorrow. The eating piece is extra good for me though. SO often I have a good gym day and I reward myself with food. SIGH. Completely defeats the purpose...

And I am thinking of training for the Big Climb.I know I can do all the flights of stairs already. I just think it would be fun to compete.

Who would have thought 10 years ago that I would be the one to think competing in something physical would be fun? HA!

2011-09-26T12:51:00.001-07:00

STRUGGLING with the munchies today. Not a good thing. Not really hungry, just want to eat. SIGH

10 Years Together

2011-09-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrate 10 years with my Eric. There is so much I could say but I will refrain. God knew what he was doing when he brought the two of us together. There is no one that I would rather be walking this journey through life with. Ups and downs are made better just by being together. He is the other half of my whole and I am a better anything and everything because of him. Looking forward to many more years together until I die first.

Confirmation

2011-09-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Talked to the attorney today. We will have to do something. We have three options:
1) Ask the superior court to reconsider- unlikely to win
2) Go to the Washington State supreme court- only a 10% chance they would even take the case, and unlikely to win or
3) Take it back to the commission and make them make a decision on it- unlikely to win, especially since there is a new commissioner that was not there for the original hearing. We hear that he is a real tool.

So, there are our options. We have decided to just go back to the commission and get the final answer from them. The positive with the commission is there is a time limit to how long they can take to decide. After the "hearing" or closing date of all briefs it will be 90 days at the most. So that is a positive. I will have a date I can circle on the calendar.

Anyway, it will be completely over very soon.

Best Description

2011-09-20T07:27:00.001-07:00

I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be here.

Well, Crud

2011-09-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

According to Eric's understanding of all this, we are going to have to go back to the commission at the least. Which is probably the least expensive of our options. But it certainly isn't what I was hoping. I think we have to have the commission decide based on what the superior courts determined they could use as comparable cases. It is almost guaranteed that we will lose.

On a positive note Eric seems to be taking the whole thing very well. I am just being thankful for that.

Because I need to vent

2011-09-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

We lost our court case. I am bummed. I am also almost completely devoid of feeling. I keep thinking I should be totally despondent.

Overwhelmed.

Sobbing.

I am not.

I am looking for the positives. We have a job. We have our house. Eric's new job allows him to be a part of the kids night time events easily and without a schedule shift. He can help out with the youth at church and still attend his men's group. There are definite positives to this whole thing.

If I am honest with myself I can see that wanting Eric's old job back was a lot about the money. I mean, he was making almost double what he is making now. That part is rough. The vacation time difference is extremely rough too. Going from 6-7 weeks off a year to 2 is a big adjustment.

I know that I was relying too much on the back pay. Putting my confidence in it to fulfill my hopes and dreams rather than just telling God what I hoped and dreamed and let him work it out. It is so easy for me to do that. I will continue to learn reliance on God. For all things.

I don't know what Eric is going to want to do. In theory we could appeal again. I don't really want to. We will see what the guy decides. And that is what we will do.

Tired

2011-09-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

This schedule is draining. And I don't just mean a little. There is so much work to do that I hit my bed exhausted most nights. Soccer practice, Eric's very long work schedule, lots of little people. All that combines to make me exhausted. And I feel... like I am droning. I am in the aftermath of a huge challenge crash. I am at sea (which I hate). I don't know up from down. It is irritating. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I would love a weekend away (impossible with a nursing baby) with the hubby. And I don't often wish for a weekend away. I miss my kiddos too much. I am just at the end of it all though. This will resolve in a few weeks or maybe even days. Or maybe even tomorrow morning when I have some more sleep under my belt. I don't know. Just a majorly blah feeling.

Feeling Good

2011-09-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

I had Zane take my photo. He is not exactly the most talented photographer but I suppose it will do. Two things.

1) I love my 3 new shirts that I got. L O V E them. I feel stylish and maybe even a little bit sexy in them. Most importantly I feel like I don't look like I have had 5 kids. Because being frumpy is pretty much not what I want to be.And according to my brains stereotypes once you have 5 kids you are destined to be frumpy. Although I suppose I should admit that the 3 other girlfriends I have that all have more than 5 kids don't look frumpy either. Just one of those horrid brain things. Now why can't all my clothes make me feel this way???

2) I seriously need my hair cut. My very sweet friend Mary keeps telling me my long hair makes me look all young and Californian but I just feel like it is a total pain in the butt. I think the long hair makes me look old and tired and like my face is extra long. Or something. I don't know.

Anyway, just thought that this old blog needed an updated picture of me.

2011-09-14T17:56:00.001-07:00

One more pound gone. YES!

The scale

2011-09-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

I weigh myself on Wednesdays. I can't do it every day. I get all weird and obsessive if I step on a scale every day. So tomorrow is the day. I have been pretty good this week. Really good considering all the cake and cookies and muffins and pie that I talked myself out of making. Oh, pumpkin bread too. I could do some damage to a loaf of pumpkin bread. However, my skinny me jeans are almost wearable again and my shorts for this summer are getting crazy baggy. Both excellent developments in my world. And the comfy pants that I wore today were baggy in the legs. Which I LOVE. So, I am crossing my fingers that the scale will read a kind and encouraging number this week. I certainly feel like I worked hard for one.

2011-09-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
I am in deep hot water here with my Gwennie girl. I am trying to mold her into a woman who loves you and wants to live for you her whole life. I seem to just be on the path to breaking her spirit which is totally not my objective and very totally not what I think you want me to be doing. She pushes my buttons though in a horrid awful way and always at a not very in control moment. Could you give me some guidance on what to do with her? I want her to trust me but I have a feeling I am just doing harm when I lose it with her.

Your wisdom would be much appreciated.

Sam

More than Expected

2011-09-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I looked back at the blog. It has been just over a month since I posted my addiction post. And I have lost 8 pounds since then. Not too shabby if you ask me.

Not Easy

2011-09-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

So stinking hungry right now. I hate this whole thing. Hate it, hate it. And the scale is not moving as quickly as I would like. SIGH. And I would very much love to have an answer on the whole court thing. It is a constant irritant.

What is my Style?

2011-09-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

Now I know there are some out there (Miss Teresa for example) that would proclaim that I have no sense of style. I would pretty much agree. I am not very on top of it. However, I went shopping this morning to look for some new shirts and really found myself struggling. I need cute comfy tops that pair well with jeans. I need to be able to nurse in them, so button down or non stretchy fabric is mostly out. I need to be able to keep my gut from hanging out, becoming easier as I lose weight but still difficult since I have a 5 kids later stretched out gut. And I need to be able to bend over while wearing the shirt without my boobs falling out the front, so most v-neck shirts are out. Especially with as low as they are cutting them these days. So what does that leave? Not a lot. Especially since I don't have a super strong sense of fashion in the first place.

I did find 3 tops that I liked, could afford and met the above criteria. I still need a couple more t-shirt tops but for now it will work. I just wish that I could figure out what my style was. Because maternity is not really a style, LOL. And frumpy mommy is not exactly what I am aiming for. And let's face it. Juniors styles on a 33 year old mom of five is just sad. So what does that leave? I suppose it will be my goal in the next few months to find out.

I do like Daisy Fuentes clothing. And two of the tops I got today were Vera Wang (which surprised me since I think of her stuff primarily fitting tiny little Asian women) and are super cute. So maybe I need to evaluate what it is about the stuff that I got that I like? I don't know. How do other people determine their fashion style? Or maybe I have just been watching too much Project Runway?!?

Blech

2011-09-04T22:08:00.001-07:00

HORRIBLE eating weekend. Stupid BBQ and birthday party junk food. In the words of Scarlett O'Hara "Tomorrow is another day!"

Progress

2011-09-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

Just pulled my shorts down without unzipping them.The fact that they are that loose is encouraging. Of course my size smaller stuff is still way too tight. But it still is progress. Baby steps, baby steps.

A Routine

2011-09-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

I am getting used to this new routine. For example, Tuesdays are Eric's late days. He has a meeting after the dock time (2:00) that he goes too. I don't think he has to go to it but we have also discovered that everything over an 8 hour day qualifies as overtime. So Eric goes to the meetings just to get the OT. I can feel myself relaxing a bit when it comes to money. I am not as stressed about "if" there is going to be another paycheck. Or even "if" we are going to pay our mortgage this month. I just am confident that we will. It is admittedly nice to have that off my brain plate. The downside to all this is that I am now scheming to replace all of the appallingly worn out stuff that we have not replace in the last 2 years. And for whatever reason I want it all done immediately. I need to slow down and enjoy it. But it is like I feel frantic to get it all done.

But like I said the routine is nice. Comfortable. Although I know that by Friday Eric is totally and completely wiped out. Exhausted. And I know that he is going to bed at 9:00 (sometimes even earlier) because he can barely keep his eyes open. So nights with him have changed a lot. I think it is going to result in us needing an actual "date" night. Because we are having a harder time connecting. Of course he is also still doing projects for his dad on Saturdays too. Trying to finish up the huge project that he was working on before he got hired. Anyway, it is working out. I find myself more exhausted these days too. But Reid isn't sleeping terribly well either (teething) and being the on duty parent is a lot of work. Can't complain too much though. Stability is a very nice thing. We weathered the storm well. We are survivors.

HOLY COW

2011-08-31T16:48:00.000-07:00

Somebody apparently clicked on one of those ad things and it earned me .13. I will take it!

2011-08-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Still longing for resolution. The new job is going pretty well. But it would be nice to either fully commit or know that it will be a temporary fill thing. The hours are not too bad though. I am going to bed like an 80 year old though. Oh well, this season of life will only be for a bit. Then I will be able to sleep in... maybe.

What I expected

2011-08-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

So I just have to share how the financial piece of our life has gone this month. I knew that God was going to need to do some creative finagling for us to stay afloat by month end and be able to pay our mortgage. And let me tell you, God did it. And just how I expected. I told my mom that God would provide us with a job and enough money to just make it through the end of August. He was going to provide but not a moment sooner than he needed too. Eric got his second paycheck today. It was exactly enough to pay our mortgage. After I got done paying our mortgage we had $11 left in our checking. But that is fine. It is what I thought would happen and Eric will get paid next week and I can start working on next month. One fewer day of work though and we would have been in hot water. So thankful that God knows just what he is doing. And although he is seldom early, he is never too late.

Sleep = Good

2011-08-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

Feeling very tired and extraordinarily argumentative this morning. This is not a great combination.

I did it.

2011-08-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

I added the monetizing thing to this blog. I really don't know how it works but I figured it couldn't hurt. I will let you all know if I ever actually get paid for having these adds under my posts and on the sides. Hopefully they are nothing too horrid.

Online Bill Pay

2011-08-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

I had resisted the on-line bill pay service at my bank for a long time. Mostly because I thought it was going to cost me extra (it does cost with certain checking accounts) but also because I loved the whole writing checks part of paying bills. It was therapeutic. Now that I am a couple of months in with the whole check writing thing I am discovering a feature I absolutely LOVE about it. My bank has a monthly spending report feature that organizes all my purchases, bills and checks into different categories so I can know how much certain things cost me each month. I am sure some of you are super organized and either use Quicken or some other spreadsheet system to manage your money. I happen to be significantly less organized than that so this spending report thing is absolutely great for me! The biggest shocker right now? I have spent $350 on gas for the last two months. That is CRAZY! It is one of our biggest expenditures for the month. And I don't really go very many places so that number is double shocking to me. Also, I can see that our utilities/phone stuff are running around $400 a month. At least during the summer they are. Winter numbers will be considerably higher when I calculate in my increased natural gas bill. I think mostly I am interested in seeing how much we are truly needing to survive during a month. It is an interesting numbers game. I had an idea before (and it actually was pretty accurate) but it is nice to see it all broken down into different accounts for me. And I am very happy to say that the amount I have spent at Target and restaurants has been very minimal. That means there is not a whole lot of fat to trim out of our spending habits. Oh goodness, what 2 years of unemployment will do to make you look at your finances differently...

blush

2011-08-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

I got a compliment today. It was about how much of an impact Eric and I and our life struggle have had an effect on this persons life. It is humbling to have someone say something like that. Because I know that I have been nowhere even close to perfect. Honestly even this delightful blog doesn't get all my ugliness. Sometimes that snot enveloped sobbing is kept from all of you. Of course, crying so hard you can barely speak or breathe doesn't actually translate to typing, but I think you get my point. I have had some bad days. And while I am not ashamed of them, I am also not proud of them. I think many have given me much more credit than I deserve. Did I have perfectly unwavering faith? Nope. I didn't even have all the time mediocre faith. Occasionally I had what seemed like no faith at all. But what helped was generally one of two things, which all boiled down to the same thing. I would either talk to someone and get my head screwed back on straight. Or I would talk myself around to getting my head screwed on straight. Generally that involved me either reading my bible or recalling/remembering some scripture. Or I would think back to all the times in the past that I trusted in God and had faith that God's plan was the right plan. I am not a saint. I am far from perfect. I am trying and learning and growing. I am not a finished product.

Where do we stand?

2011-08-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

Eric started a new job this week! It has been wonderful and exciting and so relieving to have the knowledge that steady income is in the future and it is a reality for us now. Some positives on the job:

Work hours that are fabulous for our family. Eric has been starting about 5 am and getting home around 2:30-3:00. It is nice to see more of him than we have in a long time.
Insurance that will begin next month. I am going to have a date with a dentist. It is going to be super bad I am sure.
Fun stories about work. It is nice to hear Eric reliving his day and actually seeming like he kinda is enjoying it.

On the flip side there is still the whole court case hanging over our head. Since there has been no closure on that it is hard to get fully enthralled with the new job. Because Eric would happily go back to being an officer if he was given the opportunity.

I am just trying not to compare. This is where God has us for now and for the unforeseeable future. I am determining to look forward and not back. This is not anywhere near as easy as it seems. But God is good and he provided. We have yet to go in debt over this whole thing and that is a testimony of God's mercy, grace and provision. How many other people can be without steady income for 2 years and still be out of foreclosure?

Addiction

2011-08-04T14:57:00.001-07:00

So I am an addict. No seriously, I am. Food is my problem. And not just a little bit. One would think that since I can't eat any dairy I would be dropping weight like nobodies business. I am not. In fact after returning to the gym I have lost a whopping 3 pounds in 2 and a half months.

I have had a couple of things occur in the last week that have made me confront it. 1) I had some friends from India over for dinner. Not that I have to eat like them or anything but it was surprising to me the tiny amount of food they ate. This American girl's appetite would be wildly out of proportion in the rest of the world. 2) I talked to my mom about food and as I was talking I said "It is like it has to be dealt with like an addiction, just trickier. You can't go cold turkey and never eat again." As the words were coming out of my mouth it was like a light bulb went on. I am an addict. It is just a more socially acceptable type of addiction that drugs or alcohol.

So, what am I doing about all this. Frankly, I am struggling. I love to eat. Food is good and I enjoy it. But I can't keep being so wildly out of control. My plan so far is this. Do nothing different during the day. That is right, nothing. Because my main problem is bored night eating. And let me tell you I can tear a fridge apart in one evening. I started this mindset (I refuse to call it a diet because it really isn't one) on Monday. And I am happy to report that since I weighed myself on Monday I have lost 4 pounds. I know a lot of it is water weight blah, blah, blah and that I shouldn't expect to keep losing at the same clip, blah, blah, blah but it was nice to see that it was working some.

I will admit that it is HARD! to do this. I sit on the couch and fight tooth and nail every single urge I have to get up off the couch and eat. For the most part I am not hungry. Just bored. And even if I am hungry it is not to the point that I am starving or actually physically needing food. I just like the hand to mouth part of eating. And when I wake up in the morning I am not starving. And I am not waking in the middle of the night hungry. So we will see how this goes. It doesn't mean no sweets or treats forever but it does mean that I absolutely MUST get this in control. It is tough but I know it can be done. One day, one moment at a time.

Sad

2011-07-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

He called himself a washed up cop yesterday It about broke my heart.

What blogging says about me

2011-07-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have fond hopes for printing off my little blessings blog someday. Right now it is not financially feasible but someday it will be. It is my gift to my children. I write about everything I can think of with them. Some days it is a lot of stuff with multiple posts. Sometimes it is just the normal and mundane that I post about. But it is all about there life. However, I think at some point this blog will be valuable to them as well. Not that I write about my children in this one that much but rather that this blog is about me. Who I am. Much like a child reading a parents journal and knowing who their parent is on the inside and seeing them in a new light. My life and the things I am going through and learning affect them. They have to. I am the one parenting and they are the ones being parented. This journey is an important part of their growing up too. Maybe it will be a companion piece to the big blog that I want to print. It is just the behind the scenes stuff that will put some light on my children's memories.

Impromptu Book Review and Self Reflection

2011-07-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I have a friend who is in a book club and has been passing me her book club books when she gets done with them. I just finished The Wednesday Sisters. It was good. I really enjoyed the book. It was a wee bit scattered at the end and didn't really feel like an ending occurred but all in all I liked it quite a bit.

My point is this though. The book talked about dreaming big. About doing what you are intended to do and looking back at your life when you are dead/dying and knowing that you did everything that you could and should. And right now I have to say that I have no regrets. No, man I wishes. At least no serious ones. I do wish that I would have tried swim team in high school. Odd and random, I know. But I was too scared to do it on my own without knowing anyone. I have a few things that I wish I wouldn't have done. Those are for me to know about though and will not be divulged in this post. Mostly though I have not sold out on what I know to be right and true for my life. And that is something I am proud of.

How Lucy Helps Me

2011-07-05T07:58:00.001-07:00

If you know me at all you already know that Lucy is a difficult little lady. She is extremely busy. Stubborn. Opinionated. Irrational. Temper-tantrum prone. She has some very good points too but she chooses to keep those hidden most of the time. I can't help but think how like her I am when it comes to obeying God and living as a child of God. There have been MANY times in the last month and a half that I have displayed each and every one of those not so hot character traits. And God still loves me. Even better and more completely and more perfectly that I love my Lucy who drives me crazy.

Last night, after a moderately rough day with Lucy, she was sitting on my lap and being super sweet. It was a wonderful moment that I wish was repeated each and every day. That was the behavior I enjoyed. I think God feels the same way. I think he says 'stop fighting against me so much! I have everything taken care of. Stop worrying about it and throwing fits. They take too much time and energy from how I want to spend time with you.'

I have a living breathing example present in my house all the time. Now for me just to watch it and apply what I learn.

Oh the things

2011-07-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

So Eric worked a lot this weekend. He worked on Saturday which was Andrew's birthday. He worked today as well for part of the day. It is one of those strange things that I am getting used to. I can't say that I love it. But I also can't say that it is the most horrible, awful thing ever. In fact him working today feels like old times. The 4th of July was a day that he ALWAYS had to work. I think that prior to his termination he was only home for one 4th of July in the 8 years he was an officer. And that year was the year that Andrew was born so it almost doesn't count.

Tonight Eric is off feeding the homeless with a group from our church. It is something that I would like to go do with him but taking all 5 munchkins along just makes it kinda complicated. So I let him go and serve and I stay home with the kids. It is my way of serving too. Because I never fuss at him about going. Even on days that he has been gone all day and barely sees the kids. And I know it helps Eric feel like he is being useful. Because the people that he helps feed are in an even worse boat than we are. It helps him keep perspective. And it makes him feel like not such a failure since he is able to give back in some way.

Normal

2011-07-01T15:25:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow my sweet baby boy Andrew turns 8. I can't even believe it.

Tonight we are going to go to Red Robin for dinner to celebrate. Because that is what is normal and what we always do.

The only problem is that our life right now isn't normal. Because I refuse to accept that unemployed, terrified that we are going to be "homeless" is normal.

It is a weird, fine line between doing the normal things for our kiddos so they aren't as affected by this whole thing and choosing to let some traditions go because they are just too expensive.

So far this one is a keeper.

Odd

2011-06-30T15:07:00.001-07:00

So I am looking at this picture and thinking that it doesn't seem like we are all there in the photo. Like we don't have all our members. I wonder how many more little people God is going to bless us with before it actually seems like our family is complete? I have several friends who all say that they "know" there family is done. I am in the opposite boat. We are still missing people. The strange thing I just don't know how many yet.

yuck feeling

2011-06-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am just waiting to lose this case. Like we are on pins and needles just to lose. I keep checking Eric's e-mail to see if we have a negative e-mail from our attorney. He seems to like to call with good news and e-mail the bad. I kinda just want it to happen. Then I can move on with it. I think it is hopeless. Everyone else seems to think it is hopeless too. Plus the likelihood that it would change anything in the immediate future is slim to none. The city will almost assuredly appeal if we win. And quite frankly we don't have that much time financially left. sigh.

I remember when the 29 points of light came out. (It is the contract item that started this whole ball rolling and why the city is fighting Eric's case tooth and nail. If they lose this one they will likely lose them all from now on.) I remember thinking, "Some poor schmuck is going to have to fight that to beat it and make precedent and it is going to be awful." Guess what. We are those poor schmucks and yep, it is pretty awful.

I know many would have thrown in the towel by now. I want to throw it all in. But I won't. Partially because it is a huge waiting game right now and it isn't costing us any money to fight at this point. Partially because our case is very much a David vs. Goliath type of thing and I always root for the underdog. (being from Seattle, and watching their sports teams, it is a way of life, lol) I mean the city has unlimited financial resources to push this thing on forever and ever. Our resources are limited.

Eric was down the other day and I was having a good, positive day. I told him it was his turn to be down. But by yesterday I was down again. Eric noticed it and told me that it wasn't my turn yet to be upset. I said, too bad buddy. I am and either you are going to have to be positive or we will just have to be down together.

Even with all that said. I know for a fact that God is working. I know he is the lifter of my head and that he will never leave me or forsake me. I am plodding down this road at a very slow clip and ready to collapse. But I will keep moving forward.

And today is the 2 year anniversary of Eric losing his job. So yeah. Today really stinks.

2011-06-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Having moments when I can scarcely breathe.

Ostrich

2011-06-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

I am very busily burying my head in the sand. I have tunnel vision. I am an ostrich. I am confident in God who loves me and will provide for me. I am utterly and completely terrified. Soon I will look back on all this and wonder why I ever doubted at all. God is so good.

Missing Him Today

2011-06-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

At War

2011-06-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Cautiously optimistic is currently battling overwhelming disappointment. It is a strange and yucky feeling all at the same time.

2011-06-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

Psalm 145:17-19 Everything the Lord does is right. With love he takes care of all he has made. The Lord is close to everyone who prays to him, to all who truly pray to him. He gives those who fear him what they want. He listens when they cry, and he saves them.

So what do I want? This questions isn't as simple to answer as I would have imagined. I want the security that a well paying job provides. I want medical insurance that will let me go and get my teeth fixed. And will let me go have another baby if that is what happens. I want to be off food stamps and WIC and not have the fact that we don't qualify anymore be a scary place to be because we have more than ample income to provide for all our little mouths. I want to have flexibility in our schedule and for Eric to spend as much time with our family as he can. I want Eric to continue doing the things that he has learned to enjoy over the last two years. Hanging with other guys who love Jesus and are committed to learning more and more about him. Spending time with the youth group at church and speaking words of encouragement and life into their hearts.

Can all this be accomplished by Eric getting his police job back? I really don't know. I just know that God knows how to make all this work out for the best. And by best I mean best for everyone. Not just best for one group or another. I am also firmly convinced that if we do end up permanently and forever losing the appeal it is going to take me awhile to move on. One might think that these last two years would have been all the time I needed but they aren't. Because until the door is firmly and completely closed I will continue to hope. But even in my hoping for what I want I am trusting in the One who knows what is best. Even on the bad days.

$$$

2011-06-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's not about the money. But it kinda is a bit about the money. Unemployment is finished. Kaput. Finis. Almost 2 years worth of it. I never thought I would see the day. Eric is looking for work. Had a couple of interviews. Today is one of them in fact. It is for a job that I am not entirely certain will even pay all our bills. Maybe our mortgage. Hopefully our mortgage. It would be very nice to keep this roof over our heads. I don't think it will pay enough to get us off food stamps. SIGH

Something is better than nothing. And I know that God is good and his timing is perfect. I can't believe anything but that. I wish that we would get a stupendous answer from the stupid trial. That would be wonderful. Not that it would change anything in the immediate future. There is always a chance of an appeal. Anyway, I just keep believing that God know exactly how much we need to stay afloat. And he will be faithful. He always is.

Thoughts on Nursing

2011-06-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I love nursing my babies? I really do. I love all the connection time with my sweet little one. As I have more babies I especially appreciate having something that requires me and only me for them. I love it when they nurse and give me a big sweet smile, all while still latched on. It is like they are saying, "Good eats mom. Thanks for dinner" even before it is anything super tasty. I love when they are sleepy and just want to stay attached because being attached means I am nearby and they feel safe. I love it when they are super hungry and attack me like a velociraptor. And then act all grumpy with my boob like it is the boobs fault that they have been waiting longer than they wanted to for food. I even love it when they pound on me with their sweet little hands to try and get more milk faster. Yep. I love pretty much everything about nursing.

Nerves

2011-05-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Apparently Alex (our attorney) called today and told Eric that we may hear a result from the hearing in 3 weeks or so. He was basing this off of a colleagues case that was heard a few weeks before Eric's and got results released today. I am..... nervous. I want to know what the answer is. But at the same time it makes me have a horrid sinking feeling in my gut of nerves. I want to know if it is good news. I would like to be kept in the dark if it is going to be bad news. I don't know. The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. Possibly because we are 2 weeks away from unemployment running out. May 31st is the last check that we have coming.

God is going to be moving, in some way, very, very soon.

The Battle Begins

2011-05-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

I went back to the gym today. It felt GREAT. Reid was super cooperative and happy so I got my entire workout in which I did not anticipate. After the gym I had my "oh so fun" 6 week checkup. All is just fine there too. I weighed myself for the first time and I was exactly where I wanted to be. I am down 23 pounds and I know that with me starting the gym again I should see some movement with the scale relatively quickly. I hope to be back to pre-pregnancy weight or lower by the time Reid is about 3 months old. Not eating cheese should help me with this a lot. All in all it was a pretty good day!

Not my thing

2011-05-09T21:45:00.001-07:00

Can I just for a minute express how incredibly grateful I am that God allowed me to be a mom of many and not a career woman? Because I am discovering that I am good and comfortable with being a momma. And I find doing "office work" horrible and defeating and over the top stressful. I will take a day of screaming fighting children in a heartbeat over trying to format and manipulate pesky office documents and excel spreadsheets. The children eventually go to bed and wake up in a better mood most times. The documents and spreadsheets will still be horrid in the morning.

I am currently doing some help with a new program at my church. I volunteered? got recruited? to do some editing and creating of documents. After my initial "wow, this is real adult work!" wore off I realized how much I do not miss going to work. I find zero fulfillment or satisfaction in this type of stuff. I don't have a keen eye for detail or an obsessive compulsive tendency. I try and get rid of all the typos but for me functional and just good enough are very often where I stop. It is aggravating.

I did all the work I could do on it and shipped it off to one of the Admin Assistants at church. She DOES have an eye for detail! Hopefully it is close enough for them to tweak to the maximum potential.

Seriously folks, LOVING the life God has given me now!

24 quarts?

2011-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

Switched to soy today since milk makes Reid so sick. They will give me 24 quarts a month. HOLY COW is that a lot of containers. Especially since I don't actually drink it. I just use it for cereal and maybe in baking stuff. I actually don't mind soy at all. It may come down to me drinking it as well. Nothing like a chocolate chip cookie and an ice cold glass of soy milk! We shall see. I know I like the chocolate Silk soy milk and even though this isn't Silk brand I hope that I will like it. At least the stuff that I got is shelf stable. I have to buy 8 quarts at a time and that is a wee bit of a space hog in the fridge if you know what I mean.

Ching-Ching

2011-04-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

The kids and Eric play this game where they pretend to shoot at each other and deflect the imaginary shots off of their imaginary shields. I have been doing some deflecting the last few weeks myself. Deflecting of a much more personal nature. As we approach the end of unemployment it has become increasingly difficult to stay on top of the battle going on in my brain. It is very easy for me to let fear, worry and doubt create a perfect storm of panic in my head. It feels at times like a constant battle to keep my head on straight and my faith in focus.

I know that God uses difficult situations to cause us to grow. For me this current battle is about faith. Do I have faith that God is going to do what he says he is going to do. The simple answer is yes. However I also know that as I rise up against the opposition in my head and in my life I am flexing that faith muscle and it is getting stronger. It is only through struggle that I can grow. So I am trying to embrace the struggle. Because I want to grow. Letting my faith muscle atrophy is not really a good thing. I want to be strong in the right way. Not dependent on self but rather dependent on God.

Tuesday's the Day

2011-04-06T15:06:00.001-07:00

Eric's appeal will be heard on Tuesday. I am a total mix of emotions right now about it. Part of me is nervous. Part of me is excited. Just pray for God's will to be done with the whole thing.

Smell

2011-03-29T03:00:00.001-07:00

There is a smell when I go into labor. I don't know how to explain it. But I remember it from last time. Funny how you start to notice things the 5th time through.

Pruning

2011-03-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Studied the allegory of the vine and the branches in class this week. The same thought keeps sticking in my head. For a branch to be fruitful it often has to be pruned until there is only an inch or two left so new healthy growth can grow and bear fruit. If that doesn't describe my and Eric's life right now I don't know what does. So I am happily waiting to see what our new healthy growth is going to produce. Seasons of pruning are necessary. Painful, but necessary.

Stressed

2011-03-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

Cried myself to sleep last night. Yeah, I am done being pregnant. I look like I am about to tip over just about all the time. And Eric has an interview thing on Tuesday and I am crazy stressed that I will be in labor during it and that he will miss something. So not ideal. My hips are super sore too. Eric helped me roll over this afternoon by picking up my belly. That was the best roll I have had in a month. And when I took a shower today my sciatic was bothering me on the left side so much that I was hopping on my right foot because I couldn't put any weight on my left foot at all. And no. A 9 month pregnant woman hopping on one foot in the shower is not a good thing. Or a pretty picture.

2011-03-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

Has lost every last bit of my sense of humor about being pregnant still. Somehow I think my lack of sleep is involved.

Obsessed

2011-03-25T07:22:00.001-07:00

You know you are tired of being pregnant when you spend half the night laying in bed and dreaming of contractions that make you want to cry. Seriously. I even had a dream that my water broke. Never in my life would I be so glad to look like I peed my pants. Hips, legs, butt are all achy. I just want him out. Oh, and I have started day dreaming about being done being pregnant so much that I actually thought he was in the house and sleeping yesterday at nap time and not in my belly anymore. Even though the discomfort was still present. I guess my brain is rewiring to deal with an extra kiddo. Just bring in the padded room. I think I am close to certifiable.

Just a question

2011-03-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was folding laundry in my bedroom and Zane wandered upstairs. He started looking through our closet and he saw all Eric's uniforms hanging up in there. Immediately the questions began about Eric being a police officer. And even more immediately the stabbing heart pain returned. Zane didn't ask anything hard. Just was daddy a policeman? But not anymore? It was difficult. And it hurts. I hate it. I just wish that this whole thing would have never even entered the kids world. It is impossible to explain to them right now. When they are bigger they will understand more. But even then I don't want it to be that they feel it is a taboo subject. Because it really isn't. It just causes such horrible pain that I want to shy away from it. How do you explain when something horrible happens and you don't really know why? How do you reconcile your emotional response with your rational response. Without mixing the two? Or do you? I keep waiting for the day when this will not hurt. When it won't be a knife in the chest anymore. I am still waiting. I don't know that the day is ever going to come.

Just so you know

2011-03-18T11:11:00.001-07:00

In honor of crazy pregnant Sam day, I will tell on myself and what I said to my kids this morning. Keep in mind that this was all hormonal and I generally don't talk this way to my kids. Because it certainly will not win me any "mom of the year" awards anytime soon.

To Andrew, who is running a fever for the second day: Honestly Andrew! I don't even know what is wrong with you. (said with the tone to imply he was not really sick. Like he could fake a fever)

To Zane, who was playing with the remote control even though he knew what show he was watching and didn't need to change the channel: Zane, if you don't put that remote down I am going to rip it out of your hand and smack you in the head with it.

Thank you folks, that is all.

So confused

2011-03-17T15:30:00.001-07:00

After an entire day of lots of show and a night with some serious contractions, we have arrived at at today. And I now have nothing. NOTHING. No contractions, no show, no baby. SO FRUSTRATED!!! I know it is early for me. But I would still love to be done with all this. My belly is so big that I am finding it very difficult to do simple things. My steering wheel was touching my gut this afternoon. My shirts do not cover my belly. And I have ZERO energy to do anything even remotely related to housework. It is all I can handle to keep food on the table and clothing clean. Not even folded. Just clean and yanked out of the basket. But soon. I know that for sure. Maybe next week. That would be lovely.

Some good stuff

2011-03-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Sold the timeshare and got the money in my paypal account today. How incredibly convenient! It will take a few days for the cash to hit my bank but all in all I am really excited that it all went through. AND that we are out from under those blasted dues. Now we can squirrel that money away, pay off a big lawyer bill that we have had hanging over our head for a 6 months now and be ready for car insurance and life insurance in 6 months. It is ridiculous how practical we are. Of course being practical has kept our house too so I suppose I really shouldn't fuss to much about it. Anyway in other baby type news.....

Went to the hospital last night. I contracted for no less than 6 hours yesterday and it did ZERO work with my cervix.. ***SIGH*** Although today I have had more bloody show (sorry for the details but my blog, don't read it if you don't like it, HA!) than I have ever had in my life. AND every time I get on my feet I start contracting again. It is enough to totally piss me off. PLUS I can't really decide if the show is from the two exams I had done last night (even though I didn't bleed then) or if it is something I should be getting hopeful about. So frustrating. And Eric, bless his sweet heart, is making my somewhat crazy by hovering. I love the man, I DO. But the hovering over every little twinge is more than I can handle. Probably because I am trying to interpret the twinges myself and can't figure them out at all. OH, and when I got to the hospital last night they said my GBS test results were in already and I am yet again positive. Blasted carrier body. It really does limit what I intend to do during labor or allow to be done to me. So, I shall wait for my body to begin cramping and contracting like an octopus and try not to go back to triage until I am sure. I just wish that my water would break and I could be sure. Oh well.

another week closer

2011-03-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

Had an appointment today. No major changes at all. It is pretty much what I expected. I really do not anticipate this baby being early. Not at all. I have 14 days left until my due date and I will guess that he is going to make an appearance sometime between the 23rd of March and the 1st of April. I could be wrong but somehow I doubt it. My body just likes to hold onto my babies until the very bitter end. How much more lovely it would be if I would give it up earlier though. SIGH. I will wait. I can't say that I enjoy the waiting game of going into labor but I do like how my body responds just how it should and follows the plan exactly. And by plan I mean go through all the stages and let me push out a kid with minimal intervention. As desperate as I can get for this kiddo to be out I do not really want an induction. That is no good and it can have yucky results. So I will wait. Be kinda paranoid about not making it to the hospital in the meantime. Of course I am still waiting on my GBS test results because that test finally got done today. I am curious to say the least. So my next appointment is the 22nd. I am sure I will stay good and prego until then.

No worries

2011-03-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

So the doctor doesn't seem concerned about the spotting. Which is a relief. After checking me out she seemed to think that the spotting was probably the result of me rapidly changing. I went from 1.5 cm, 30% and -3 station on Feb 27th to 2.5 cm, 70% and 0 station in a week. And I know that I dropped sometime between Wednesday and Thursday. I am a bit worried about the 0 station thing though. Not that I want to push for a long time but it does seem really low. I don't EVER remember being so low before. Maybe this kid will have a little head. Ha, Ha, Ha. I don't know how much easier a delivery could be than Gwen's with the whole no pushing thing but I suppose I will take it. I can just totally tell that he is low and ready to go because half the time I feel like I have a watermelon down there. Anyway. Glad she is not concerned. I am not concerned either. And baby boy is still moving a lot which is great. Until next week!

Oh so curious

2011-03-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Last night we headed to Costco. It was late and I was tired and desperately wanted to get my day done and my babies in bed. So we marched through at quite a clip and got the shopping done fast. Once I get home I showered the kids and got them into bed. The next time I went potty though there were about 6-8 tiny spots of blood in my undies. I tried not to worry about it and went to bed. I have an appointment on Wednesday and I just figured that I would mention it then. But today I got home from Cyndy's (where I do nothing but sit and chat) and there were a few more spots. So I called my doctor's office and after they conferred with triage came to the conclusion that my cervix was banged up and reacting. Baby boy has been moving great and I am not worried about him at all. I am VERY curious though about what the doctor is going to say tomorrow when she checks me. It is very apparent that I have shifted and dropped since last week so we shall see. It is hard to not get my hopes up about an early delivery for sure!

2011-03-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

Had an open mouth and insert foot type of day. Blech. Hope I can avoid another one in the near future. Apology made and accepted. Forgiveness is good.

Baby Shower

2011-02-28T07:11:00.000-08:00

The ladies at church gave me a wonderful baby shower yesterday. I got oodles of cute clothes, sweet blankets, some diapers, AND a brand new car seat from my Friday morning ladies. It was such a wonderful blessing to me. I am now feeling pretty prepared for this new little man to come. I am 36 weeks pregnant today. Holy cow has that gone by quickly. It always feels like forever while I am in the middle of it but for the most part I really can't complain about his pregnancy. I have been achy but in good spirits most of the time. It has come as such a huge relief after the emotional nightmare that was my last two pregnancies. I feel like a sane person again. Now I just have a few loose ends to tie up. I will have to get a new crib mattress. But that isn't too bad. It is the final big ticket item that I need being that a different friend is giving me her hardly used breast pump. So AMAZING the way God has provided for this baby. I am beyond thankful!

Like a 3 Year Old

2011-02-28T06:53:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting how I don't really feel my age. Right now I am 32. But in my head I swear I am no older than 22. Sometimes 15. I make decisions and choices and go about my life but always there seems to be a small sense that I am living in someone else body and that all this is just pretend. When it comes to my relationship with God it is even more messed up. I know I am 32 but when I relate to God I see myself as a 3 year old. Seriously. It is very much like Lucy in my mind. I get to crawl up on my daddy's lap just like Lucy does. I get to depend on God just like Lucy depends on Eric.

I have been having a rough week with our unemployment. I have been at war with myself. My 3 year old me and my 32 year old me are at odds. See the 32 year old me knows that we have 3 months left before unemployment runs out. 3 MONTHS! It seems like such a tiny time frame for anything significant to happen in. But my 3 year old me trusts her daddy. She knows that God will never let her down or hurt her.

I was really wrestling with this all weekend long, lots of depression, lots of frustration and while I was at church yesterday God reminded me of something that had happened on Friday. Eric was wrestling with Lucy. She had climbed up on him and was clinging on to him like a baby koala. Eric had a hold of her feet but nothing else. Lucy kept slipping and Eric just said to her "let go, I won't let you fall and get hurt" Finally Lucy lost her grip completely and Eric swung her by her feet. She wasn't hurt at all. A bit scared and a bit unsure but she did know that Eric wouldn't hurt her. So God called that situation to my mind and reminded me that He is not going to let me go and He is not going to let me be hurt. I may be a bit scared but I don't have to be afraid of falling and hurting myself. I can trust Him.

It was a really good reminder of who I am to my heavenly daddy. I am His little girl. He loves me and doesn't ever do something that will hurt me. I can trust Him completely. It was exactly what I needed.

2011-02-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

Broke down and went to the $39 dollar clinic on Wednesday. I have a sinus infection AND an ear infection. They suck. I had been hoping my doctor would come through but I ended up going before I heard anything. I called her on Tuesday morning. Finally heard back from her today that she called in some antibiotics for me. So I will go pick those up too and just save them for the next time I am in a miserable state. Frustrated that it took 4 days to get an answer. Happy that I will have an antibiotic cushion to fall back on. And she prescribed me the same thing that I got from the other place which is great. Now I just wonder what it is going to do with my whole Group B Strep problem. Maybe I will test negative this time around. That would totally change my whole birth strategy. I will be able to relax a whole bunch more which would be wonderful. Only 30 days left. Can't wait to meet this little guy.

Just wanna fight

2011-02-16T17:05:00.001-08:00

So the city of Seattle just finished hosing yet another officer. It makes me furious. Bowing to public opinion just because a decision was unpopular is a Seattle special. They practically should have it trademarked. My heart goes out to the officer and the crap he is suffering from in the media. I just heard that he resigned as well. Such a sad, sad story.

Percolating

2011-02-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

So this post has been percolating in my brain for the past few nights. And since that usually means I have something specific on my mind I suppose I might as well just try and get it out. For what ever reason blogging is like a cleansing rinse for me. It pukes the emotions out and then I can move on. Although this may be a reoccurring issue over the years.

The women at my church are throwing me a baby shower this month. Last Sunday of the month in fact. It is something that they do for all the women in the church, regardless of what number baby you are having. Part of me (a big part) is grateful for their love. Another part of me is uncomfortable with the whole thing. See even within my church I wouldn't say I have full support for being pregnant. This baby is not coming at an ideal time. It seems stupid to be having another one. Many would be MUCH more comfortable if I was saying "this was an OOPS! baby" But he isn't an oops baby. I want him as much as I wanted to rest of my babies. Was getting pregnant fully intentional? Well, I suppose no. But not taking any "birth control" measures against getting pregnant certainly doesn't support my "not trying to get pregnant" stance.

In my John study I have been looking at several things. #1 I want to be a disciple (a learner) of Jesus. I want my life to reflect what he wants for me. #2 If I love Jesus I will obey his commands. So what has he commanded? To love God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind and to love my neighbor as myself. And finally I have been stuck on John 12:42 and 43 which state "Nevertheless many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they love the approval of men rather than the approval of God."

Now please don't misunderstand me. I am not implying in anyway that everyone needs to open their heart, mind and body to having lots of babies. I very much am NOT! I just know that this IS what God wants me to do. And I think part of it is because of the whole approval of men part. I like to look socially acceptable. I like to look normal. I appreciate blending in, going with the flow, not drawing attention to myself. 5 kids makes that all but impossible. People will count as you walk into a store. They will mutter comments under their breath about "who on earth would want that many?!?" And for the most part I can laugh it off. But it still bothers me. To the world I am doing nothing noble. I am just being an idiot. And that hurts. Because most don't see that I am shrinking under the social stigma and backlash for having all my precious little people. It hurts my heart that I am more comfortable just taking one kiddo to the store with being this pregnant. Because second babies are always wanted. I get sweet smiles and comments when I don't have my whole crew. And that hurts me. It makes me ashamed of myself because I am not ashamed of my babies. But I am not looking for the "approval of men" right? I want God's approval. I want to obey what He has asked me to do. Because I love Him. And maybe just maybe it is for this very reason He is asking me to do what I am finding so socially unacceptable.

Exclamations!!!!!

2011-02-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

Have you all noticed I have been using few exclamation points when I blog? I have been making a conscious effort to reduce the number as I type. I just make so many bold statements! LOL It was starting to irritate me though that I was constantly exclaiming. Facebook, blogs, comments. It didn't seem to matter. So as an unofficial New Year's resolution I vowed to reduce my exclamations. Seems silly but I have been better at it since the beginning of the year. It was a personal pet peeve of mine about me. But I was willing to work on it. Now I need to just not relapse. Do they have a 12 step program for this?

Maybe April?

2011-02-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

It seems like the oral arguments section of the appeal may hit in April. A bit later than I was hoping for but it will still be a blessing to get it done and over with! I don't fully know the time line with this whole thing. Maybe there are written closing briefs? I am not sure. If so then that usually pushes back any type of decision several weeks because the lawyers are given up to a month to get them submitted. At least closing briefs aren't a back and forth type of deal. Both sides get the same due date and then they exchange. SIGH. Anyway, that end of May end of unemployment date sure seems like it is getting closer and closer. And we are not exactly beating prospective employers off with a stick right now. God is faithful though. He has not brought us to this point to drop us off a cliff. That I know for sure. God is never late, but rarely early. Have to keep that in mind often.

Last year we spent a week in Cannon Beach at a Christian family camp. We signed up to do it again this year and we were on the verge of canceling but decided to go. So we have a vacation planned for the family this year. Yea! It will be fun. I just kept wanting to call and cancel and never got to it. But I was praying last night and it seemed like God was saying to keep the reservations so I did. In fact I was really worried that with the new baby coming I would not be able to use the room that we had reserved but when I called today they said that it will be fine and not to worry about it. We will technically be over but since the new one will be so tiny we can just keep him in a pack and play in the main room. Plus it looks like our timeshare has sold (we signed papers yesterday) so we will have a tiny amount of money to cover the vacation and the lawyer bill we still need to pay off.

Can't wait to see how God is going to act. The suspense is just about killing me =]

What a Bummer

2011-01-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

So Eric got his placement with the bus driver thing. Not so hot. It does not appear like that is going to be an open door. It is a bummer. Kinda. I think it is just most frustrating because we are coming to the end of the unemployment window and absolutely no doors have been opening. None. It makes it hard not to think that they one door that has the tiniest of slivers still is the right one. **SIGH** Time and God will reveal what the plan is. It is just awfully hard to wait, get the hopes up and then have them crash. God is faithful though. He knows the end of this already and He has since the very beginning. And that is what I am putting my trust in.

Weather Induced

2011-01-20T15:02:00.001-08:00

Keep in mind that I don't do well in January and February. The rain and blech weather really get to me. Also I have not been sleeping well this week. I think being 30 weeks pregnant has finally caught up with me. I tend to sleep for about an hour or two and then wake up in pain to go potty and roll over. I am thankful that it has taken this long to get here though.

So we are waiting on an unemployment extension right now. It didn't start bothering me until today. No check this week at all. It is funny. I know that God is going to take care of us. I just wish I knew how. I am also super tired of feeling like a mooch. Even when I am not mooching. Even when people are offering stuff when they don't have to. I just want to be self sufficient again. Have a check that covers everything required and maybe even then some.

So much want to be able to stand on our own two feet again. Very, very, very.

2011-01-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

And now I am starting to freak out about the couple of bigger replacement purchases we need to make. GREAT. That is just what I need to be adding to the brain plate. Especially since the issue isn't the money but rather convincing Eric that we need to replace the things I feel like we need to replace. What are those thing?

1) New crib mattress: $39 at Walmart. Should be no big deal to convince Eric.
2) New infant carseat: $70ish? The one we have been using we have had since Andrew. Almost 8 years and 4 kids later it is time to replace it. Eric is not a huge fan of buying a new one.
3) New breast pump: $50ish? Depends on if I can find one on sale. I am not really picky. I hardly ever use it but it is nice to have around so I can if necessary. Plus my last one I lent to someone and not only did they not return it they ended up melting it in their dishwasher. Eric should be on board with me getting one since going to the opera will leave him home with a massively miserable baby but the rarity of use is a big negative in his mind.

Although I just talked to Eric on the phone and mentioned all this stuff and he didn't flip out. So that was good I guess.

I'm going to blame it on the hormones

2011-01-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

I feel agitated today. And really it is for no real reason. The kids have dentist appointments this afternoon which is not a huge deal. At least it shouldn't be. Gwen is having her first visit which is fun. At least I hope it will be fun. I think the main problem is my day is all messed up. Gwen will have to nap in the car because the appointments are at 2. In Mount Vernon. And I have to get Andrew out of school. Which I have never done. I know, shocking. 3 years in school and I have never had to pull him out early before today. Anyway. And I have an opera this week. Which is fun and thrilling but it is something different than my typical week so thus I am out of sorts. Poor Zane is bearing the brunt of it too. Although currently he is melting down because the Candyland game cards slid. My ribs hurt too. Like they are getting pushed out by this enormous baby. **Sigh** I just wish that I could not be so crazy feeling. Really, really, really.