The Sam Rant

Vent

2009-11-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone. Waiting never killed anyone.

Sorry, just had to vent.

Where Do I Fit In?

2009-11-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, let me start by saying this is really more of a mind dump for me than any type of cohesive thought process. It will more than likely make little sense to other people but that is ok. I just need to get it all out on paper (screen) so maybe I can start to deal with it.

As I am sure most of you are aware a Seattle Police officer was shot and killed in cold blood this weekend. This individual was not someone Eric or I knew personally but the death is hard and icky all the same. I don't know how Eric is dealing with all of it. I really don't. All I know is that I don't know how to process this at all. Once I get past the "that sucks" piece of it I have a curious and distinctly numb feeling. I am no longer a police wife. I would know how to deal with this if I was still a police wife. I would be concerned, I would be worried and I would be trepedatious anytime an unexpected knock on the door came or a phone call was received late at night. This would not be an easy time for me but I would deal with it.

Since I am not a police wife anymore (even though I still am in my head) and my biggest concern is that Eric doesn't fall off the side of a building or a roof. I am not too worried about that. So I don't know how to deal with the whole officer shooting. That sucks is the best I can come up with. So how should I deal? This type of situation is right now not any of my concern. I can't project my feelings onto Eric in this case. He is fine and as of now will be fine for the foreseeable future. If he ends up back at work I may be concerned. But not now. Not when I should be.

This has also made me confront something that I already knew and that Eric and I do not see eye to eye on. Eric would still like to go to squad stuff. For me it is a knife in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I really like all the officers and wives that we hung out with. They are lots of fun and we have a good time together but so much, almost all of our conversation and point of reference is as a police wife. There is camaraderie and understanding of our unique point of view as we deal with kids and husbands working strange shifts and holidays. I am outside that circle now. Should this appeal turn out with Eric getting his job back I fully assume that I will slide right back into that role easily. It is the opposite that I am struggling with. So I chose to avoid police stuff. It does not make me feel any better to participate. I am the odd one out. And I hate it.

This shouldn't be seen as a identity crisis. I still know who I am in Christ and who he says I am. All the things that I typed yesterday are in no way diminished from there relevance. I just want some type of normal life back. Some human stability. I am fully dependent on God to provide for us, I just know that he typically uses my husband to do it. There is a grieving process I am working through and it is not any fun at all. Someday soon I will get my answer to where I fit in again. I just hope it is where I want to be as well.

The Friend Who Knows It All

2009-11-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

Right now I am waiting to hear the results of Eric's appeal. Not that it is coming out today necessarily, rather it could come out at any moment in time. I have been a bit of a mess for the last two days. Checking Eric's e-mail constantly and being slightly jumpy when the phone rings. It is hard for me to describe this waiting feeling. It is somewhat like standing still in the middle of a busy street. I know life is going on all around me but I am standing still, waiting to find out what direction we are going to go in. As much as I don't talk about it to other people I talk about it a LOT to God. I mean, what more is there to say when we are talking to people but the same stuff over and over. Don't know when, it could happen anytime. I have been saying that for over a year now. That answer gets old extremely quick. God however gets all my internal ick. He gets all my nagging fear, doubt and worry. And only he can handle it. When I get into a panic about the result I go to God and get comfort. It is like he tells me to just sit down, chill out and let him do his thing. There is no trying to make sense of the situation with God. He doesn't require my input. I keep telling him my opinion but he doesn't require it. It is very nice to have him willing to listen to me, even when all I say is the same thing over and over. This doesn't make sense but God makes sense. He has promised to never leave or forsake me. I cling to that. He has promised he will always provide for me. I cling to that. He has said that the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame. I cling to that. So many things that give me hope. Even when the earthly stuff looks hopeless my God is the God of all hope.

Week 8

2009-11-02T07:51:00.001-08:00

I didn't post last week because I was annoyed at myself. I only lost .5 pounds which was not what I wanted to see on the scale. Went this morning and was down another 1.5 which was fantastic. I am now only 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight with Gwen. I have about 15 more to lose after that until I get to where I want to be. In jeans news: I am able to wear two pairs of my jeans. I can't really call them comfortable yet but they are getting there. I have a ways to go before I can wear any type of a shirt that is snuggish so t-shirts are my lot right now. That is ok. It is just nice to have some pants options again. I have been very good with the candy. As in not eating it. Usually I just raid the kids bags after they have gone to bed but this year I am being good. It has been two nights and I haven't eaten a piece yet. Although I did make some Halloween cookies and I ate some of those. Can't be perfect but still trying my best. I guess there is a difference between eating 6 cookies and 2 :) They are my favorites though. I just keep asking myself cookies or jeans? The jeans are currently winning.

Week 6

2009-10-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

I think I was down another pound today which brings my grand total to 9.5. Slowly but surely it is coming off. I did wear my favorite pair of jeans yesterday though and they were actually kinda comfortable. Still working the whole muffin top thing out but that is ok for now. At least I have some jeans that I can wear again. So I continue on. It didn't stick to me overnight and it won't come off overnight. It just is a whole bunch more fun to put it on than take it off!

Prodigal God

2009-10-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

The life group that our family has been going to has been studying this book. "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. It is a good book, I recommend it. It takes its principles from the story of the prodigal son. Since I have known Jesus since I was about 4, I am quite familiar with the story. However, this book is absolutely kicking my butt! I am being convicted of stuff that while not new to me is being shown to me in a whole new light. The basic principle is that the church and the world are filled with two different types of people. Older brothers and younger brothers. Younger brothers try to find happiness and fulfillment through self-discovery. Older brothers try to find happiness and fulfillment through moral conformity. Both brothers are wrong but the older brother is the one with the worse heart condition.

Now, guess what camp I fall into? The older brother camp, hands down. Not even a doubt in my mind. And that is not a good thing! How can I draw people to Christ if all I emit is a list of rules? Christianity is NOT a list of rules!!! That is NOT how God designed it! Are there things God has instructed me to do? Absolutely. Is it appropriate for me to use the Bible as my moral compass? Without a doubt. Where I get into trouble though is when I start expecting the rules God has impressed on me to apply to everyone else, even when they don't have a relationship with Christ. I have a relationship with Jesus and it is wonderful. But just like any relationship there are things that we have come to an understanding on. Jesus is amazing and loving and comforting and the one that I can go to always without fear of rejection. That is what I should be showing and saying. That is what draws people to Jesus. Am I always right? Hardly. In fact most of the time I am in the wrong.

I would hope that when people look at me they see Jesus. Most days I think that I am a sad smudgy copy that shows very little resemblance at all. I get that playing the church game is not a draw at all. Many people won't go to church because of the people in the church. Not that there is something wrong with Jesus or that they don't like what he stood for. Rather it is that the people IN church are supposed to be reflecting Christ and sadly they are often not reflecting him at all. Jesus took people as they were and loved on them accepted them exactly where they are. If only I could do that on a daily basis, what a difference it could make.

Dear Jesus- Please forgive me for not being the image of you that I need to be. Keep my eyes focused on you and not on what others are doing. I earnestly and expectantly desire relationship with you more than anything else. Even if it means all the rule are thrown out the window. Help me see what I can do to better portray you and draw other close to the Jesus they see in me. Amen

Week 5

2009-10-14T08:15:00.001-07:00

I knew the day would come and this week was it. I only lost .5 pounds. Disappointing for sure but kinda expected since I only exercised once last week. Blasted appeal through a wrench in my plans! Anyway, I am still at it. Nose to the grindstone and all. I did wear my jeans last week one day. They were quite snug and a bit uncomfortable but I could wear them. And on Sunday I wore the other pair of real pants and they were significantly better than they were two weeks ago. In two week hopefully I will be able to say the same about my jeans. I will just have to keep on working. Slowly but surely it is coming off. Then it will just be a matter of keeping it off!

Week 4

2009-10-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

Went and did the weight check today. A couple of days late since we had Eric's appeal this week but I wanted to see if I was making any progress. I was happy to see that I was down another 2 pounds. That make a total of 8 pounds lost this month which is pretty good in my opinion. As always I will try the jeans on again today to see if they are usable yet. I am thinking they will be wearable but not comfortable. And certainly not good looking :) A couple more weeks. Hopefully by Halloween I will be good.

3 More Days

2009-10-03T16:34:00.001-07:00

The end is drawing near. We have 3 more days until this appeal is over. I will be so thankful when we are through. Gwen and I are going to the appeal with Eric. Hopefully she will be a little angel baby like she usually is. My mom is also coming to help with Gwen and be moral support for Eric. I don't like to talk about the outcome of the appeal. On one hand it could turn out fabulous and just how we want. On the other hand it could turn out fabulous and nothing like we want. There is little likelihood of it being somewhere in between. It may be strange to have me say that it will be fabulous if it turns out not how we want. The truth is that God has something wonderful in plan for us. If he has another idea of something that Eric will love and enjoy even more than I am all for it. I am trusting that God knows what is best for us even when we don't. I am hanging on by a thread but still hanging on. I don't know how the appeal is going to look at all. I do know that Monday will be filled with people talking about what a terrible person Eric is and Tuesday will be Eric's testimony and people who support him. Both days will be difficult and I don't know which one is going to be worse. I think that they will be different types of hard. Monday I may want to deck someone and Tuesday I will just be nervous for Eric's sake. If you think of it at all say a prayer for us.

Jeans Update

2009-09-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

Pulled on. Buttoned and zipped. Looked ridiculous. Muffin top doesn't even begin to describe it. But there is hope.......

Week 3

2009-09-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last week I was sick. Nasty yucky cold that kept me feeling terrible for all of Thursday, Friday and most of Saturday. As a result of the cold I did what I normally do when I am sick. I ate. And I ate bad for me stuff in an effort to get something to taste good. It didn't work. Nothing tasted good at all. Also I have decided that it is difficult to watch what I eat and count calories when I have to eat at social gatherings. Not so much because I overeat (although that is always a temptation) but rather because I can't count how many calories I am eating and my guess-tamation skills are not very good. I always guess low. And we went several places this weekend where the meal was part of the socializing. Anyway, I was trepidatious going to the gym this morning. I only weigh myself once a week so if this was a bad number I was going to be pissed over all my bad choices this last week. So, I weighed myself and to my great surprise I had lost another 2 pounds. Hooray! It was better than I had hoped for. I even wore a pair of NON-maternity pants to church yesterday. They were snug (as in tight) but I did get them on and they were not even too uncomfortable. I will try on my jeans after I shower and see if I am making any progress there. With the weather turning colder jeans certainly sound comfy to me!

Maybe Mornings are a Good Thing?

2009-09-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

I hate mornings. Always have. Not that I dislike getting into my day, I just would rather laze in bed until I felt like getting up. I have always been this way too. This isn't about having kids or the lack of sleep they cause me. I just really am not a morning person. However, the last two weeks I have determined to get up and go to the gym at 6:30 (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday) and I have actually been going. I am finding that the days I get up and workout I have much more energy and I am getting much more accomplished at home. It helps that I am doing errands earlier and my kids are getting down for naps at a more regular time. I don't think I will ever truly be a morning person but it is nice that there is some payoff for me getting up and going to the gym.

8 Years Together

2009-09-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Home from our honeymoon: 9/25/01

Today I celebrate 8 years of marriage with the man I adore. He is my best friend and companion and I am so blessed to have him as a husband. This year has not been what I would call an easy year but it has shown me that when I said "for better or worse, in good times and bad" that I surely meant what I said. I cannot imagine life without him and don't even really want to try.

Tonight we are going out to dinner (friend gave us a gift certificate, LOVE IT!) and then we splurged on a bottle of wine for after the kiddos are in bed. It will be a no fuss type of anniversary but a good one none the less. I can hardly wait to see what the next year will bring!

Week Two

2009-09-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

The scale was kind. I was down 2 more pounds. I was hoping for 3 but satisfied with 2. Mostly I am just desperate to put my normal pants back on. I think I will be good to go in about another 5 pounds. Not that they will LOOK good by then but I will be able to pull them on and button and zip. Then it will all be refinement of the gut and tightening of the skin. Don't get me wrong. I still will be needing to drop pounds but the pants will be back on and that is objective #1. Objective #2 is to look halfway decent in them. Objective #3 will be purchasing new pants. I only have the cash flow for 1 new pair (maybe 2 if I can stretch it or find a good deal) so I need to be in a GOOD place before I buy. I will clue you all in next week!

Two Weeks

2009-09-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Not to be confused with "week 2" which I will probably post tomorrow regarding my weight loss (at least hopefully it will be weight loss!). We have two weeks until Eric's appeal. It is set for the 5th and the 6th and we are both incredibly weary of this whole thing. It will be so nice when it is over and off our minds. Although waiting for the decision (which could take over a month to get) will more than likely be even worse than the appeal itself. It is difficult to do anything other than live one day at a time right now. I know that is what I am supposed to be doing anyway but it is my very nature to plan. I like being able to mentally plan out what life is going to look like for the next few weeks/months. Right now I know how the next few weeks are going to go. I am hoping that the months after the appeal decision will be different though. It is difficult when I am praying so hard for one particular outcome to have my mind also be aware and accepting of the fact that the other outcome may be reality for us. Either way we will be fine. It is just tough not knowing.

I have mentioned in the past that Eric has learned a ton and grown in this process. It is sinking in how much healthier he is more and more as days go on. The things that caught him up and blinded him in the past no longer are keeping him from seeing the truth. The peace that oozes from him is wonderful. Not to say that he doesn't have rough days anymore but they are shorter lived and he is quicker to snap back than he was. 6 months ago a piece of bad news would have depressed him for a week. Now he has a short mental battle and he snaps back out of it. Much nicer for me for sure. I can play the cheerleader but doing it constantly can be a bit draining.

Anyway, these days I am praying very hard for the appeal committee commissioners and for our attorney. God has a mighty plan in all this and I am praying for each one of these men to be blessed in the process. Nothing is impossible for God. Doesn't hurt that I am studying Abraham and Sarah's miraculous conception right now. I figure if God can impregnate a 89 year old woman then this work thing is no problem at all. Wonderful how I can apply bible stories to my own life!

Random Workout Stuff

2009-09-16T14:16:00.001-07:00

Getting up early in the morning has never been one of my strong suits. In fact it is probably my least favorite time of all to exercise. I used to love working all day or going to school all day and then heading to the gym for a nice stress relieving workout. Well, things have changed and working out in the evening doesn't work for me anymore. Logistically it would be a mess. This week since Eric has been working painting a house with someone from church, I have been getting up and going before he had to leave. It has been a struggle but a very rewarding struggle. I have had much more energy during the day which is really nice. So, 3 days in a row I went to the gym. I won't go again until next Monday but I will do my pilates DVD at home every day but Sunday. I think I am seeing results in my abs (as in they look slightly more pulled in then they did last week) but that is what I expected. If you haven't ever tried pilates you should. They are AMAZING at working your abs and core strength.

The other thing I have been doing is watching what I am eating. Not having money to go out to eat certainly will help with this part of the journey. I am in control totally of what I am eating and while it may not always be what I would like to eat it is easier to control how many calories I am consuming. Although I don't think I would have very good self control if I were to go out to Red Robin :) One thing I have found that I LOVE is Fiber One granola bars. They are absolutely delicious and actually filling. I tried the South Beach ones and I was hungry again really quickly. The Fiber One bars though kept me full for a reasonable amount of time and they are only 150 calories. Not bad. Anyway. I just thought I would babble. I killed myself this morning at the gym and am feeling kinda sleepy. The machine told me I burned 489 calories though so maybe it was worth it!

One Week

2009-09-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have been watching what I eat (and attempting to limit my calories) for a week now. I went to the gym this morning and weighed myself and was pleased to see that I am down 3.5 pounds. Still have a lot to go but it was nice to see that some weight did come off. Right now I have nursing working for me too. I feel hungry all the time and I am trying to not succumb to the impulses. As an FYI, I am technically not dieting. I have just started eating what I know to be a healthy amount of calories for me when I am not nursing. It is also the calorie amount that I ate way back in the day when I was in college and at my thinnest. I was able to MAINTAIN my weight back then. If I can come within even 15 pounds of that number I will be doing fantastic. I finally found a website that gave calorie needs for nursing moms. That was very helpful. I discovered that I am eating just the right amount to maintain milk supply and still drop some very unwanted poundage.

I am not writing down exactly what I am eating. True fitness people will probably be horrified but for me that is just too much work. I am writing the amount of calories I am eating on my white board for all the world (or at least the family) to see. It helps me that I can just erase bad days after they happened. I am living one day at a time. Which is a good thing for me right now. I will probably update again next week. I only weigh myself once a week to keep me from getting all obsessive. I am past the headache inducing hunger part. Hopefully this week will be easier!

Menu, menu, menu

2009-09-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I need to drop about 30 pounds. Went to the gym today and weighed myself. YIKES! It was what I expected but still a much larger number than I was wanting to see. I will not embarrass myself with the actual figure at this point. Just know that it was bad. Really, really bad. Anyway, I was thinking that if I could come up with a master list of things that I eat regularly and the calorie count then maybe I wouldn't be so lazy about counting my calories for the day. I was also thinking that when I am planning I should start my day from the end and then work my way forward. Night munching is my worst problem when dieting. I will be good all day but evening comes around and it sinks me almost every time! So wish me luck. I know that this will be a long battle (nursing will help but only to a certain extent) but it is one I must fight. There are cute jeans waiting to be worn and I am determined to wear them again!

Some Good, Some Bad

2009-08-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

So there is good news and there is bad news. Well, maybe not bad news but grumpy news for me right now. The good news is that Eric has officially dealt with all personal, private and emotional crap that has been holding him down for the past 18 years. He is free from the bondage he was in mentally. Feeling like you are under condemnation and trapped by shame is something that no one should have to go through. It was ugly and painful and scary to deal with but I am very happy to say that Eric is free from the demons that tormented him. Satan has nothing else to use against him. Grace is Eric's for the taking and he is walking in new and complete freedom. Praise God for his restorative work! I can see the difference in Eric already and it is wonderful.

Now for the bad/grumpy news. Our situation is still the same. We are still doing the whole Food Stamps, WIC, DSHS insurance, unemployment dance. I hate it. More than just hating all the government assistance stuff I am loathing Eric being gone. Right now he is working at his dad's to help us make our bills each month. We aren't too short after all the unemployment checks hit but we are still a little bit short. Combine that with the fact that retaining the lawyer took our entire savings account. We truly are relying on God to provide for us one bill at a time. I don't know how to completely and fully explain what the process of me accepting Eric's job was. Long, long ago when we were not even dating and I was just a silly girl desperately in love with a boy that intended to be a police officer. I had to ask myself. Can I do nights alone? Yes! Can I do worked holidays? Yes! Can I accept that he isn't going to have a Monday to Friday normal shift? Yes! I was prepared for all this and frankly I don't complain about it. When he would pick up additional stuff I would sometimes get snippy but the normal grind? Nope. I knew what being a police family entailed and I was ready for it. This working all day business that he is doing right now though is another matter altogether. I HATE it. Loathe it with every fiber of my being. I miss Eric desperately when he is gone. And he is just down the road. It isn't like he is even commuting. 3 minutes each way does not translate into a commute! I don't know what I am going to do if he has to work a normal job. It just might kill me. I know you are all saying that I am overreacting and exaggerating but I don't really think so. I don't know if I can do it. I am stuck with the possibility of my worst nightmare of a work schedule and I am hating my own life. I don't think it is fair. I know life isn't fair but I LOVED our life before all this stuff happened. I am going through one of the hardest valleys in my life right now because I can't stop comparing what used to be to what is now. And I know this whole thing isn't finished yet. I keep hearing God whisper to me "Just watch what I am going to do." but frankly I am scared. I am on a roller coaster ride and it might not end up someplace that I like. I keep clinging to Psalm 16:6 "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." But is pleasant for me the same as pleasant for Eric. If not where does that leave me?

A Change from the Usual

2009-08-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Bringing Gwen home from the hospital has been filled with the usual chaos with a little more added in. See there is this thing living in our house called stress. It is here and it is very unlikable. I am having a rough time with it because it signifies everything that is different about bringing Gwen home in comparison to bringing home all the other kids. Instead of just being able to focus on adjusting to a new addition, Eric and I spent the week securing a lawyer (which we did, praise be to God!) and starting the process of Eric's appeal. I think the biggest thing is that this whole case is like a black cloud hanging over our heads. I can't just sit and be thrilled that Gwen is here. Even though that is what I want to do. I have, in the back of my mind, the thought that we have one more little person to provide for. And I have no clue where that provision is coming from. I know that God will be the one doing the providing but I am very uncomfortable with the ignorance of what this is going to look like on the other side. I am hoping and trusting that God is going to either give Eric his job back or give him some new job that will allow us to continue to live life in a relatively comparable way. I am not asking to be rich, just be able to pay the bills and maybe have a little extra to do something fun every once in awhile. I am struggling with the changes and even though it is no big surprise to me, I find myself put out about the whole thing. I despise change. I always have. I just need to weather this out until I get my feet under me again.

The Complication

2009-08-12T16:57:00.001-07:00

Ok, I promised this post on my other blog and since I know most of my readers are slightly lurky, I am sure you have all been waiting patiently for the information. So, here we go. After Gwen exited the belly I was feeling great. I had visitors and family. I got my tummy massaged and squished. Things were good. Right after lunch though and directly after my last guest left (which was you Teresa!) I shifted my position in bed and felt a very large gush of blood. No real worries I thought. I will just go and change my pad and all will be fine. Then I stood up and there was an even larger gush of blood. So large in fact that it was running down my legs and left a trail on the floor from the bed to the bathroom. I got on the potty and the blood just kept coming. I knew I needed my bed pad changed at the very least and I asked Eric to call the nurse desk and ask for a bedding change. I didn't want to freak everyone out by saying I had a flipping river flowing out of me. Well, the nurse assistant walked into the room and took one look and immediately called my nurse. I got back into bed and the nurse started massaging my tummy again to see if the bleeding had stopped.

WARNING!!!!! From now on the story gets kinda graphic. Read at your own risk!

The bleeding didn't stop. She had me strip off all the pads and sexy mesh undies I was wearing and just be on the pad while she checked me. Everytime she rubbed my tummy it felt like there was another huge gush. I felt like there were some clots that needed to come out of me that were stuck. The most disturbing thing of all was that my whole uterus was rock hard, which should have meant that the bleeding would slow dramatically. Kelly (my nurse) then told me she needed to find the doctor because this wasn't normal and could be very serious. She got ahold of the doctor who told her to give me a shot in my tush. I got the shot and we waited. Still more blood. After about 20 minutes or so with no end in sight of the gushing Kelly went back to get the doctor. He walked into the room and told me he needed to do an "extremely invasive manual exam" to try and find the clot or piece of placenta that had not detached and get it out of me. He also told me that if this exam didn't work that he would have to take me to the OR and do a D and C on me either under general anestethia or sedation at the least. Oh, and I would be getting some medicine that should help me contract that had to be administered in a suppository form. All I am going to say about the exam is that it was the MOST painful experience I have ever had. And that includes going through labor and delivery with Andrew without any pain medication. The doctor's hand was inside my parts manually scraping them out. He wasn't able to get to the chunk that he needed to though and I got to have the medicine. Never in my life did I think a suppository medication would be the least invasive part of a procedure.

After the doctor finished with all his torture I did start having some major contractions and out came the biggest clot I have ever felt (I was too chicken to look). According to Eric though it was about 2 inches across and 4 or 5 inches long. Not good. That seemed to end my problem though. I got some Vicodin and dealt with the shakes though for probably 2 hours. In the end it was a good thing that I didn't have to have any other major stuff go on and it seemed to be a random event. I am glad I was at the hospital too. That type of stuff can be life threatening if not taken care of right away.

Hopefully I didn't freak you guys out too much. I just know that I had to post it to fully tell what happened with Gwen's delivery.

Can I Whine?

2009-08-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

WARNING! This post is going to be super whiny. Read at your own discretion.

I am still prego. Today is my due date and I am still carrying around this little lady. Last week when it was so hot I was thankful that I could just carry her around inside without any sweat issues. This week I am annoyed that she has not made an appearance yet. Why can't my body cooperate? Why do I decide to grow 9 pound children? I really would be thrilled with a nice/normal 7 or 8 pounder. Honest I would. Why does the medical profession insist on waiting until you are 41 weeks pregnant to induce? Huh? Why? It isn't fair. I think if you haven't delivered by your due date the only polite thing to do is to induce you the next day. I am sore. I am uncomfortable. I have noticed the baby is not moving around as much probably due to being packed in my gut like a sausage in a casing. I had to have a non-stress test today which was not fun. I knew she was fine because I had heard the hearbeat earlier but it still isn't fun. Laying on your back while 9 months pregnant is mighty uncomfortable. Please come quickly baby. Mommy is done. She is exhausted and in pain. And finding it extrodinarily unfair that there is nothing I can do to get her out quicker!

Why Even Bother?

2009-07-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

So tonight Eric called and asked my opinion on whether or not he should go to something. I told him my gut reaction was bad and that I didn't think he should. He told me that his gut reaction was good and that he was going to go anyway. So my question is: WHY ASK MY OPINION IF IT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE YOUR MIND IN THE LEAST????????? If you want permission then NO! You don't have it. Either just call and tell me you are going to do something or don't. Apparently my opinion means squat. It is the whole Phoenix thing all over again. I swear if something happens to him tonight it is going to be bad. REALLY BAD. If I go into labor while he is gone he is going to be dead meat. Seriously people. I am annoyed.

A Connection

2009-07-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

So as I was playing Bejeweled Blitz today (it is a sickness people) I was thinking and praying and frankly stewing about all this stuff that is going on with Eric and his job and the work that is being done in his mind. See I know for a fact that this whole work problem is not so much about work but rather about healing Eric from the inside out. My sweet man's growing up was not in anyway ideal and it makes me hurt to think about how far from perfect it was. However, as I was praying today I really felt like God was telling me that this situation is what needs and must happen to fix my Eric's mind and his destructive patterns of thinking so that he has the ability to be the daddy that God needs him and wants him to be for all of our beautiful little babies. Don't get me wrong. Eric is a great dad. In fact he is one of the best dad's I have ever seen. He has great patience with the kids. Loves to spend time with them and take them to do fun stuff like camping and fishing. And he doesn't require me to go along with him to do the diaper changing. He is a naturally FABULOUS daddy. But there is potentially another level of fabulousness that he can reach with God's help. And to be able to hit that level he needs to deal with all the junk from his childhood that could potentially become a stumbling block in the years to come. I have been looking for some type of connection between us having more kids (like we feel called to do) and this whole situation. And I think I finally have found it. It is comforting that God knows exactly what our babies need even before we do. And He is willing to take the time and put the effort into the people who need help. An absent god would just let us flounder and figure it out on our own, my loving God is willing to hold us through the painful process of molding us to be the best we can. May God receive all the glory for the work that he is doing and continuing to do in our lives!

Feeling Grumpy

2009-07-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

As I have shared before I am not enjoying this whole food stamps/welfare thing. Today though I hit a new level of frustration. Eric has been after me to contact WIC to get checks for me and the kids. I finally complied (even though I think our food stamps are WAY more than sufficient) and had my appointment today with the WIC people. I will have to take Zane and Lucy in a few weeks. The morning didn't start well with them because I was one of the first people of the day and they weren't even up and running on the computers yet. AND I think the lady that checked me in was new because she didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing. Anyway, I get back into the office and they start asking me all these questions about my pregnancy which was fine. The lady first asked me if this was my first. Nope, fourth, I say. Oh!?! she says. Then, when was your first doctor's appointment? 6 weeks pregnant, I say. Oh!?! she says, that is early. Well no duh lady! I know what you are supposed to do when pregnant. I think it is easier for me when they ask me what is causing me to do all this junk. At least then I can say that my husband lost his job and prior to that we were just fine. She asked me how long I breastfed my kids. I told her at least a year for all of them and she acted shocked. I know that is what they are hoping you do. Why be so surprised when someone actually is doing it??? She had to weigh and measure me. Then she told me that my weight gain was a bit on the high side. WHAT?????? I have gained 29 pounds which for me is great. Still within the acceptable range. She asked how big my previous babies have been. I told her over 9 pounds each (which I do realize is not usual and does put me at an increased risk down the road for diabetes) and then she seemed floored that I didn't have gestational diabetes. Sorry. I just grow them big. I got to deal with all the typical questions about Domestic Violence and whether or not I feel safe. Also got to try and explain the depression thing. Have problems when prego with girls, not with boys. I don't think she knew exactly what to do with that. Anyway, at the end I got the checks which are very specific. I am guessing I will get more when I go back with the kids. Bottom line was that she treated me like I had no idea what I was doing. I am assuming (hopefully I will be wrong) that when I go in with the kids they will be shocked that they are fully immunized and have had recent well-child checks. Is it so strange that I have a clue about what to do and how to raise my kids and what is good for them? Because that is sure the way that I felt. Totally annoying.

One positive bit though was that I went to the grocery store and used the first check which was for cereal, milk, eggs, juice, peanut butter and cheese. I told the checker that I had never used one of these before and she was EXTREMELY nice and helpful. Didn't seem to phase her in the least. I put Eric's name on the checks too so he can go and use them. HA! That will show him how much of a pain it is.

Overall I am just done being pregnant. I ache all the time and this baby has seemingly dropped down into my pelvis and keeps turning her head from side to side. You may recall what it feels like or you may not. Not comfortable in the least in my opinion. I feel agitated. Like all squirrely inside. Kinda like I have creepy crawlies and can't shake them off. Maybe similar to the stereotypical meth-head impersonation..... maybe. I feel spacy all the time and can't seem to focus. Other times I feel obsessive compulsions to do things. I am sure this is nesting, just not manifesting itself in a cleaning kind of way, much to Eric's disappointment. Like yesterday I went and got most of Andrew's school supplies. Some were on super good sale but mostly it was just making me panicky that it wasn't done yet. Also I made Andrew try on most of his pants (yes in the 80 degree heat) so I would know if he needs anything for school. He doesn't. But now that is off my mind. Nesting much you think? This baby will come when it is time I know. I have too much on my mental plate and keep ripping people's heads off. Also, I keep finding myself on the brink of tears when the kids act up. The brain plate is full. There is no more room. I need to just have this baby so one less thing will be there. Then I will just be super busy. At least that is more comfortable than this current situation.